the journey so far...

the life project week 5: a little bit of excitement goes a long way...

A lot of exciting things have happened this summer, and now September is here, it would be easy to quickly become nostalgic about the longer nights, the extra glasses of cider and the tan lines (sun burn marks) but really it's just the beginning...

Crazy (not) in love

I think I might be a little insane. I'm definitely an over thinker. Lets face it this blog wouldn't exist if I wasn't.

But what has recently brought my sanity into question has been my research into my new show 'Love Letters and Other PointlessScribbles.' Most of the questions I have asked people have been met with in-depth stories,and 'Oh my gosh I know exactly what you are talking about' and more than one person has then ended by asking my advice on something.

Shhhhh, listen...click.

I would not describe myself as a confident person.

I am very self aware. I know what I can be good at, I know when I'm being moody, I know when I'm not any good. But even with that self awareness, self doubt creeps in on a fairly regular basis.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about loosing my excitement for doing the thing I love, and with that my confidence.

I imagine my confidence to be an ill fitting peg in hole in my brain. It had always just bin jammed in willy nilly, and wobbled a little. To those who know me it will come as no surprise that I may have one or two screws loose.

Can you hear that rattling?

Well when I had THAT experience, and I hit my threshold for just what I could take, that peg became well and truly dislodged. It fell out of place completely.  Tentatively I have been trying different screw drivers and hammers trying to get it back in place.

Clink, roll, shit, where's that bloody peg gone?

I'm not going to lie, before heading to Buxton Fringe Festival this past weekend I was terrified, the heart burn was back in the morning and there was a rather distressing dream involving a train, a derailment and a lot of drowning goats.

I hadn't heard from the venue, I hadn't had any ticket inquiries, I didn't have a clue what I was going to do.

Luckily on the Sunday I had the fabulous Hannah Ellis with me (I've told you about her, she is wise and writes over at oopsimavegan.com) to keep me sane and grounded and push me to go and just leaflet.

Then there was the relief of getting to the venue and everyone being lovely and helpful and supportive. And to find that 7 tickets had already been prebooked.

Not only that but the sun was shining and Buxton is beautiful.

There it is!

Slowly I found my feet and leaflet patter, then the performance came around and it all went well. A full house, and though I returned home with a feeling that my reviewer hadn't enjoyed it, I felt relieved, one down one to go.

The Monday came around and I braced myself for a much harder day on all fronts. And boy did I have to brace myself as I entered the Pavilion to find my review.

Deep breath... BUT it was another good'un! Chuffed, spring in step I headed out to leaflet. I was on my own Monday and it was definitely quieter. I couldn't rest on my laurels and in the back of my mind I found it hard to believe I could generate an audience for 6pm on a Monday evening. So by 4pm I was beginning to feel nervous once more, headed to my venue to set everything up totally convinced it would all be coming back down at 6.05pm.

So convinced that nobody would turn up at 5.50pm I was sat making sure things were tidy and easy to pack when 15 people turned up!

I was shocked but most of all I was over the moon, I could feel myself grinning. I was so happy I was going to get to perform. And when I did, I just enjoyed it. And so did they.

After the show I held my first ever 'chat with the artist' I didn't shake once, like I usually do when public speaking, I was just honest. Talking about the work I love to do.

And after all of that? They asked for autographs.

Shhhh, listen...click...

That peg is finally back in it's correct place, and this time (for now) it is definitely a better fit x

LOST: Excitement and a Mobile Phone

 For the full back ground knowledge on this next post read this and this. 

For the past two months I have been struggling with two events and their consequences. I have  been trying to ignore it, I couldn't put my finger on what the feeling was, and I presumed it would go away. But I'm pretty sure that the only way I can find what it is that I've lost is to really talk this through...

The first thing that happened was, a personal thing, something which made me rethink basically EVERYTHING in my life. I felt I had lost control on every string which tied me together. It was ages since I had performed, I hadn't applied for any new festivals, filled out any proposals, I was just waiting in limbo. At the same time, I became very aware of how much weight I have put on, that I had been single for a year, that my social life centered around a handful of people, places and things.

Basically, this was not the adventure I had first planned when I moved to Manchester, nor was it the reimagined Mancunian life I had hoped to return to after Christmas.

I started getting panicky, but I took a few deep breaths and began to take back control. I started dieting, looking for new opportunities, socializing more, and basically refocusing my energy.

A lot of that energy was pinned on going down to London to perform. It was a big achievement for me, it was something to get excited about, to remind myself of. Something that was going to mark the end of this weird anxious period.

Well going down to London did not go how I had planned. In the first post I wrote about this whole experience I avoided focusing on the negatives and instead looked at it as a learning curve. But if I am being honest, I'm still not quite there yet.

If I'm honest, how badly I feel London went, how stressful it was, how much it did not live up to my expectations, how much it wasn't the solution I thought it would be has stuck with me.

And while in my personal life all is swell, as a performer, I have lost something.

I've lost that excitement of going on stage. Of getting up there and doing my thing. I don't see performing as a happy place at the moment, because I don't want to expect too much, after all that is the best way to avoid disappointment isn't it?

Instead of the butterflies and adrenalin that I normally use to fuel my performance, before going out recently, I've felt anxious. I've been focusing on emergency routes, fall back plans. Predicting how things could go wrong.

Now that might sound like a very sensible thing to do on the one hand, and of course it is. But not when that is getting in the way of excitement.

As a performer I run on energy, it is what makes my work make sense. I normally have a nervous energy that is charming, and infectious, recently I've had that type of nervous energy that makes people uncomfortable.

Or at least that is how I feel my performances have been recently. Of course, I am my own biggest critic, and others have reassured me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

So this is my conclusion. I have lost my excitement, I don't run on adrenalin, I don't reach a high. I just feel flat, even if to an audience my performance doesn't.

I'm now turning my metaphorical house upside down looking for it, I'm looking  under and through old reviews, I'm moving boxes of old pictures, filing away bad experiences, and it is coming back. Now that I know what I'm looking for the search is basically over.

Even admitting this all outloud, I can feel butterflies, or at least hear them, I'm obviously getting closer.

Unfortunately the same can not be said for my mobile phone.
x

Just a quick one...

All a bit crazy at the moment, but hopefully will get to write properly in the next couple of days!

In the mean time I am performing back in Manchester as part of Nowt Part of Festival on July 10th at The Black Lion in Salford!  So if you are free come along and join the event here! https://www.facebook.com/events/134522863413157/?fref=ts

And I'm not the only Lancaster graduate performing!  The delectable and delightful Josh Coates and Jon Coleman also have shows! ?Take a look at theirs here...
https://www.facebook.com/events/552882914754403/?ref=3

In the mean time for all the latest up to date news from Nowt Part Of follow them on twitter
@NowtPartOf

Speak soon x

There's something in the air...

I mentioned in a post a few days ago how I'm not all that confident working in a group, however more and more I seem to be talking and writing about collaborating with people.

First up, there was Nancy from Dirty Laundry, who will be performing her show Woman Scorned on the same nights as Love Letters then came te adition of Tom Bevan coming on board to create my mad hatters world and set design, and now?  Now something completely different...

I'm very excited to be starting to working and writing on a script with Alex Keelan, the wonderfully funny lady who created the character Leanne, which I have had the pleasure of performing a couple of times now.

We are now elaborating on Leanne, and coming together to write a 33 minute script exploring and exploiting the comedy in other peoples relationships!

The first meeting is Wednesday morning!

I don't know I thought us creatives were meant to be part timers!  But my job seems to fill every hour of the day!

Stephanie Yawwwwwwwn x

My 3MT Moment

My beloved 3Mt turns 2 this Saturday!  And I shall be performing at the celebrations as Alex Keelans wonderful character 'Leanne' (she is the me I could have been, no really, deep) but in the mean time over on their blog I have written a guest post telling them #My3MTMoment.

Well it isn't really a guest post as I am the editor for that blog, but this is written with my Associate Artist hat on rather than my Marketing Officer one!

Take a look! x

http://www.threeminutetheatre.co.uk/#!blog/c1sre

It's not just a show...

My day job isn't a job like any other.

My day job, the job I do when I'm not writing or creating, luckily for me involves a LOT of writing and creating.

I am the 3MT Venue's Marketing Officer (you know how the saying goes 'She's not just an associate artist...') and working on this side of things has taught me more than any performance or degree probably ever could do about the world of making theatre.

The most important thing I have learnt? It's not just a show.

It's a production, emphasis on the PRODUCT.

We make theatre because we want the world to hear the story we are telling, see the opinion we are  giving, but unfortunately, most of the time, the world doesn't really care.

In all areas of the creative industries more and more people and artists are spending more time on the production than the product.

In both my dream job and may day job, the thing I worry about most is having an audience in. Because what is the point of worrying whether or not your show is any good if nobody gets to see it?

On Friday I had a lovely chat-cum-meeting with Nancy Monaghan, the genius behind Dirty Laundry Theatre.

This autumn, we will be collaborating together on a production whilst actually creating and performing two separate shows.

Woman Scorned will also be performed on the same nights as my new show Love Letters and Other Pointless Scribbles  coming from two opposite ends of the 'girl in love' scale the two shows compliment each other on theme so it seemed only natural that we come together to present a night of new theatre.

Here's the logic...

1. A problem shared is a problem halved - marketing is HARD really hard, now we have a new interesting angle, and half the responsibility!

2. It's win win (win) - I know and trust Nancy, and we have a very similar mind set and high work ethic. We can share audiences and create ourselves new ones, and there is a third win for the 3MT, instead of having 4 nights of short pieces of theatre, it has two nights, more likely to be full and with an appropriate interval time.

3. New eye-deas - I'm not short of ideas when it comes to creating a show, nor is Nancy. But when it comes to making a whole production, what more can you do alone than knock up a poster and hope for the best? Come together and there's the possibility of workshops, increased presence, new angles etc. Simply put, two heads are better than one!

And I am sure there are a million other logical reasons why this JUST MAKES SENSE.

But here is what I really like about it.

I find it hard to create with other people. I'm not confident in presenting my ideas before they are complete, and often in my creative process I have a very strong picture of how a show will be but until I get to the finish line, I find it hard to explain this vision to other people.  As a result of this I have found my ideas in the past pushed aside, making me even less confident in group work.

I like working and creating alone.

But having to do everything else on your own? That SUCKS, and while I would rather have complete responsibility for my own work and would never push that on to some one else, having some one along with you for the journey?  Then that is just good company, especially if they are carrying exactly the same luggage as you are!

And the key word constantly bandied around in the creative industries? Collaboration. Well we have got creative about collaborating!

So there you have it, I wouldn't profess to this being a treasure trove of wisdom, but, it does seem just a little bit genius!

Stephanie x

New Collaboration...

Now some of you may know that I consider myself to be of a craft nature, I have been told that my flat is like a shrine to blue peter.

However, as much as I like working alone and been a bit of a one woman dynamo, I always want my work to be improving and moving on to that next level.

So with that in mind I have asked the amazing artist Tom Bevan to come on board for Love Letters and design and create the set!

So take a look at his work at Hop Scotch Stop I think it is safe to say, this show, if nothing else, will be nice to look at!

x

Table Service...

I've adapted Confessions into a 10 minute stand-up routine slash preview!

It's a lot of fun and in many ways I'm finding it more nerve wracking than doing the whole show! But it is definitely a model I will be adopting for my next show Love Letters... which will work brilliantly for spoken word events!

Maybe there is something in the water at the moment, but I feel so positive and like although being 22 is scary because nobody seems to know what they want, or like me want EVERYTHING, I'm just loving giving all these new things!

Oh and you can see me performing the Confessions routine this Thursday at 3MT and next month at Chorltons Lead Station!

x

Tin Shed Theatre

Hello! Once again I have bin a little quiet lately but fear not I am about to bombard you with bank holiday blogging!

Now, I don't want to start using this blog, to review other peoples work, but I have to give credit where credit is due, and I have always set out to write about my inspiration, so with that in mind let me just say

GO SEE TIN SHED THEATRE!

Now as you may know, I am very heavily involved with The 3MT Venue, as my 'day job' and as an Associate Artist. And one of the biggest perks of this?  Getting to see and meet fabulously talented companies and people from all strokes of ctreative-ness. 

So, when I saw the trailer for Tin Shed's 'Dr Frankenstein's Travelling Freak Show' I was very excited and I wasn't disappointed!

I won't analyse or give anything away but just to say I loved their use of multimedia and the stunning layering of story telling and re-telling tales!

I tend to veer away from characters and plot lines in my 'grown up' work but something about this has definitely hit home, and I have always bin a massive fan of stories with in a story!

Anyway, this is perhaps annoyingly vague, but like I said I don't want to review or give too much away, I just wanted to applaud really, and share the 'knowledge!'

Find out more about Tin Shed Theatre Company here

http://www.tinshedtheatrecompany.com/