the journey so far...

the life project week 5: a little bit of excitement goes a long way...

A lot of exciting things have happened this summer, and now September is here, it would be easy to quickly become nostalgic about the longer nights, the extra glasses of cider and the tan lines (sun burn marks) but really it's just the beginning...

Crazy (not) in love

I think I might be a little insane. I'm definitely an over thinker. Lets face it this blog wouldn't exist if I wasn't.

But what has recently brought my sanity into question has been my research into my new show 'Love Letters and Other PointlessScribbles.' Most of the questions I have asked people have been met with in-depth stories,and 'Oh my gosh I know exactly what you are talking about' and more than one person has then ended by asking my advice on something.

LOST: Excitement and a Mobile Phone

 For the full back ground knowledge on this next post read this and this. 

For the past two months I have been struggling with two events and their consequences. I have  been trying to ignore it, I couldn't put my finger on what the feeling was, and I presumed it would go away. But I'm pretty sure that the only way I can find what it is that I've lost is to really talk this through...

The first thing that happened was, a personal thing, something which made me rethink basically EVERYTHING in my life. I felt I had lost control on every string which tied me together. It was ages since I had performed, I hadn't applied for any new festivals, filled out any proposals, I was just waiting in limbo. At the same time, I became very aware of how much weight I have put on, that I had been single for a year, that my social life centered around a handful of people, places and things.

Basically, this was not the adventure I had first planned when I moved to Manchester, nor was it the reimagined Mancunian life I had hoped to return to after Christmas.

I started getting panicky, but I took a few deep breaths and began to take back control. I started dieting, looking for new opportunities, socializing more, and basically refocusing my energy.

A lot of that energy was pinned on going down to London to perform. It was a big achievement for me, it was something to get excited about, to remind myself of. Something that was going to mark the end of this weird anxious period.

Well going down to London did not go how I had planned. In the first post I wrote about this whole experience I avoided focusing on the negatives and instead looked at it as a learning curve. But if I am being honest, I'm still not quite there yet.

If I'm honest, how badly I feel London went, how stressful it was, how much it did not live up to my expectations, how much it wasn't the solution I thought it would be has stuck with me.

And while in my personal life all is swell, as a performer, I have lost something.

I've lost that excitement of going on stage. Of getting up there and doing my thing. I don't see performing as a happy place at the moment, because I don't want to expect too much, after all that is the best way to avoid disappointment isn't it?

Instead of the butterflies and adrenalin that I normally use to fuel my performance, before going out recently, I've felt anxious. I've been focusing on emergency routes, fall back plans. Predicting how things could go wrong.

Now that might sound like a very sensible thing to do on the one hand, and of course it is. But not when that is getting in the way of excitement.

As a performer I run on energy, it is what makes my work make sense. I normally have a nervous energy that is charming, and infectious, recently I've had that type of nervous energy that makes people uncomfortable.

Or at least that is how I feel my performances have been recently. Of course, I am my own biggest critic, and others have reassured me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

So this is my conclusion. I have lost my excitement, I don't run on adrenalin, I don't reach a high. I just feel flat, even if to an audience my performance doesn't.

I'm now turning my metaphorical house upside down looking for it, I'm looking  under and through old reviews, I'm moving boxes of old pictures, filing away bad experiences, and it is coming back. Now that I know what I'm looking for the search is basically over.

Even admitting this all outloud, I can feel butterflies, or at least hear them, I'm obviously getting closer.

Unfortunately the same can not be said for my mobile phone.
x

My 3MT Moment

My beloved 3Mt turns 2 this Saturday!  And I shall be performing at the celebrations as Alex Keelans wonderful character 'Leanne' (she is the me I could have been, no really, deep) but in the mean time over on their blog I have written a guest post telling them #My3MTMoment.

Well it isn't really a guest post as I am the editor for that blog, but this is written with my Associate Artist hat on rather than my Marketing Officer one!

Take a look! x

http://www.threeminutetheatre.co.uk/#!blog/c1sre

It's not just a show...

My day job isn't a job like any other.

My day job, the job I do when I'm not writing or creating, luckily for me involves a LOT of writing and creating.

I am the 3MT Venue's Marketing Officer (you know how the saying goes 'She's not just an associate artist...') and working on this side of things has taught me more than any performance or degree probably ever could do about the world of making theatre.

The most important thing I have learnt? It's not just a show.

It's a production, emphasis on the PRODUCT.

We make theatre because we want the world to hear the story we are telling, see the opinion we are  giving, but unfortunately, most of the time, the world doesn't really care.

In all areas of the creative industries more and more people and artists are spending more time on the production than the product.

In both my dream job and may day job, the thing I worry about most is having an audience in. Because what is the point of worrying whether or not your show is any good if nobody gets to see it?

On Friday I had a lovely chat-cum-meeting with Nancy Monaghan, the genius behind Dirty Laundry Theatre.

This autumn, we will be collaborating together on a production whilst actually creating and performing two separate shows.

Woman Scorned will also be performed on the same nights as my new show Love Letters and Other Pointless Scribbles  coming from two opposite ends of the 'girl in love' scale the two shows compliment each other on theme so it seemed only natural that we come together to present a night of new theatre.

Here's the logic...

1. A problem shared is a problem halved - marketing is HARD really hard, now we have a new interesting angle, and half the responsibility!

2. It's win win (win) - I know and trust Nancy, and we have a very similar mind set and high work ethic. We can share audiences and create ourselves new ones, and there is a third win for the 3MT, instead of having 4 nights of short pieces of theatre, it has two nights, more likely to be full and with an appropriate interval time.

3. New eye-deas - I'm not short of ideas when it comes to creating a show, nor is Nancy. But when it comes to making a whole production, what more can you do alone than knock up a poster and hope for the best? Come together and there's the possibility of workshops, increased presence, new angles etc. Simply put, two heads are better than one!

And I am sure there are a million other logical reasons why this JUST MAKES SENSE.

But here is what I really like about it.

I find it hard to create with other people. I'm not confident in presenting my ideas before they are complete, and often in my creative process I have a very strong picture of how a show will be but until I get to the finish line, I find it hard to explain this vision to other people.  As a result of this I have found my ideas in the past pushed aside, making me even less confident in group work.

I like working and creating alone.

But having to do everything else on your own? That SUCKS, and while I would rather have complete responsibility for my own work and would never push that on to some one else, having some one along with you for the journey?  Then that is just good company, especially if they are carrying exactly the same luggage as you are!

And the key word constantly bandied around in the creative industries? Collaboration. Well we have got creative about collaborating!

So there you have it, I wouldn't profess to this being a treasure trove of wisdom, but, it does seem just a little bit genius!

Stephanie x

I am a writer...

I write A LOT about the difficulties of being an artist bla bla bla its not a normal job, it has so much stigma attached to it bla bla bla, (read this post to see my true difficulty with this).

So I like to celebrate the concrete things that happen to me, like seeing my show listed on The Roundhouse website and been added to a 'Our Writers' page on 4ManchesterWomen...

Yup that's right!

Take a look! I'm the one with a Teapot on my head.

No, really x

Table Service...

I've adapted Confessions into a 10 minute stand-up routine slash preview!

It's a lot of fun and in many ways I'm finding it more nerve wracking than doing the whole show! But it is definitely a model I will be adopting for my next show Love Letters... which will work brilliantly for spoken word events!

Maybe there is something in the water at the moment, but I feel so positive and like although being 22 is scary because nobody seems to know what they want, or like me want EVERYTHING, I'm just loving giving all these new things!

Oh and you can see me performing the Confessions routine this Thursday at 3MT and next month at Chorltons Lead Station!

x

Things I thought I had learnt...

Now a couple of weeks ago you may remember I was terribly excited to be heading down to that there London to perform and I wrote a quick list of things that I had learnt so far whilst touring with Confessions that I felt sure stood me in good stead for the Big Smoke.

Well I wasn't wrong.

Well, I wasn't entirely wrong.

Now it has taken me a while to get round to writing this because it has taken me a while to gain perspective on the whole experience.

Are you beginning to get the picture that this wasn't the performance dreams are made of?

Now I am not a negative person by nature, you can't be when you are in this business and that is why I have taken a little break to gather my thoughts.

You see the only reason any one in their right mind would pursue work like mine is because they absolutely love it. In fact, it isn't a reason, because you HAVE to love it so much that you have no option but to pursue it.

Now because so much of your heart and soul goes into this work, when things don't go to plan, it can, not to be too dramatic about it, be heartbreaking.

So without further ado and without going down too cliched a route, here is a revised list of things I have learnt so far.

1. Know your material inside out and
2. The Show is never finished.

 Now I highlighted the contradictory nature of these two points in the first list I made and looking back on London, I think I was caught slap bang in the middle of the no mans land that lies between them. I had already changed a lot of the technicalities of my show for this gig and 10 minutes before I was due on stage I was having to change even more. It was terrifying, and incredibly stressful, even now, when I think about it I can't remember the performance. I do, however, have vague recollections of improvising with a huge bag of glitter and a cocktail umbrella.

3. People are my best props

Yeah, they are, but sometimes but you can't rely on an audience and you have to just pretend that they are the audience you always wanted. Was that a small titter of laughter? Great, go with it,  that's the exact response you were looking for!

4. Book train tickets in advance

Oh, and if you are going to recite lines under your breath, explain to those in the near vicinity what you are doing, you don't want to look like a loon.

5. The best marketing is a good idea.

Even in London, but you can't change the weather, and some times you just have to admit that you would rather be in the sun too!

6. How to spell 'restaurant'

And play down your northern accent.

And here is a few new ones!

7. If you had to fill in paper work, print out your own copy and take it with you!
8. And never under-estimate the power of health and safety

I hate that old line 'it's health and safety gone mad' but when you are being told you can't use a party popper because it contains gun powder, and "we've lost your new risk assessment so you can't do anything that isn't on the original one", and you can see you show falling down around you, well, then, BAM here comes the inner diva.

9. Embrace the inner diva

"If you don't get that second risk assessment down here now, I'm not going on, and I am NOT changing any more of this show, so you had better find a way of simulating a boiled kettle NOW."

As an artist you have to be flexible, open to change and respect that other people have other priorities. But you worked damm hard on this show, and if they programmed you, then they have to take responsibility for this event, just as much as you do!

10. Sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break

You can be your own biggest critic and enemy, most of the time this is what drives you forward and you need to embrace it. Other times, you have to give yourself a break, things go wrong and it isn't your fault. The audience had no idea about the stress surrounding the performance and they clapped and wooped and said 'great show' and who are you to disagree? You pulled it out the back despite all that, it isn't how you wanted it to go, but you did it anyway.

A List of things I have learnt so far...

The Confessions tour has well and truly started now, and here is a list of things I have learnt so far as I prepare to g down south...

1. Know your material inside out

I have performed Confessions in various settings, with tech, with out tech, in the round, in a pub, in an interval.  I've done 10 minute versions, 20 minute versions and 45 minutes. I've taken drinks orders, had audiences of all different shapes and sizes and nearly met my death thanks to a huge paper napkin and the only thing that has got me through it? Knowing my material.  And now as I prepare for my biggest challenge to date, taking my show to London, while I may have had to change the lay out and swap mans red fire for pound land electric t-lights, at least when I get there I KNOW the show. The rest is just technicalities.

2. The Show is NEVER finished

This may seem contradictory to point 1, but in many ways my 'material' is the base of my show, and if that ends up  being the full show, then I know it went ok.  But, ad maybe this is just because of all the different locations/setings/time slots I've adapted to, but very time I have done the show, something new happens. Some of it sticks and goes into my 'material' and some of it just worked at that specific point. So yes Confessions is complete, but it still isn't finished.

3. People are my best props

Sorry, dear audiences, I realise you probably don't want to be thought of as a prop, but I really can not stress how important a role you play! It's like that age old question if a waitress doesn't have a table to wait on does she have a job? I don't need a huge audience, but this show is as much about there story as i is about mine.  You can't really have one with out the other, and that idea that the show is created in the space where my story meets the audiences is definitely one I want to explore further (yes, I'm talking about Love Letters again). 

4. Book train tickets in advance

Just do. Duh.

5. The best marketing is a good idea.

Now I realise that that great idea has to be worded and packaged well, but I have got so far on just explaining to people 'well urm, you sit at a table as if you were in a restaurant and the waitress serves you  stories.'  I have studied theatre for years, that doesn't sound that weird/different/unique to me...  to most people it does, it sounds like an experience. And that sells.

6. How to spell 'restaurant'

And that's all I have for now, but I'm going to carry on adding to this list as I go on, but in the mean time, you can see me this Friday as part of Accidental Festival or check out my upcoming dates here.

Stephanie xx

Hideously Self-Indulgent

I’ve stolen the title for this post from a show I did in my second year of uni, when my entire avant-garde class took to the stage to pose in tanning positions, and I pretended to write a message in a bottle, explaining to my seminar teacher why I was to hung over to go to class.

It sounds bizarre, and it was, but weirdly enough it is probably the only thing I devised at uni even remotely close to what it is I am trying to do now. We also got to work with the delicious Adrian Howells which was a great experience, and not just because rehearsals never started before 10am.

As you can probably guess, that piece, like this post, was all about the self.  Although I don’t necessarily want to talk about indulgence, more improvement, which are two things that probably often over cross.

I make work about myself, I spend a lot of time by myself and on top of this, I am employed by myself. But I’m not sure how much I work on me.

Like a lot of people my age, or at least my close friends, I seem to endlessly trying, or thinking about improving myself.

I should be doing this, I should have this by now, I have forgotten about this… but in reality I’m not sure how much do I genuinely work on myself?

Again I think all these inspirations I’ve been having about my new show have led me down this path, and I’m not sure where it is going,but at the moment my thought is this:

If I was a car (bear with me), I would run from A-B fine, and to anyone looking on nobody would be able to tell there were any problems. I would FUNCTION fine, but I don’t change my oil as often as I should, and inside there are one too many sweet wrappers hanging around, and sometimes when my windscreen wipers have to start, well they don’t stop…

But would spending time on fixing all this stuff be indulgent, or can I claim it against my taxes as necessary expenses? I’m not sure; I’m not even convinced that if you fixed one thing something else wouldn’t suddenly go wrong, as if the currently good suspension depended on a perfect balance of function vs minor problems.

This is probably the most personal post I’ve ever put on here, but expect to see a little more of this, because right now Love Lettersand Pointless Scribbles is looking to get very close to home, it might even be a little hideously self-indulgent.

Stephanie xx

I've been thinking a lot about inspiration...

Lately, I seem to get IDEAS every other second of the day, and the pages of my notebook are filling up pretty quick at the moment.

I get times like this, the complete opposite of Writers Block (which I'm yet to experience fully).  I love times like this, except when I can't find a pen, and at this rate I am full of excitement over my next show (November time).

So I thought I would share the first burst of inspiration with you, which came during the wonderful Women In The Spotlight workshops at The Three Minute Theatre last month. this piece will be the base of my next piece, right now I'm not sure how, but I have a feeling in my tummy...

Heartbreak, happiness, seclusion, haziness, the feeling that there is something to be discovered, on the verge of something, something out of reach, something snatched away, reluctance, overlapping. Confusion, perfection, fennel coleslaw, is this a story that I want to tell? I'm treading a line, brushing past a shrub I've always thought of as being covered in honey suckle, I want it to shelter me, to fall backwards, to discover something new that I know must be there. Instead it ushers me to the other, the memory I am trying to to forget because I was sure there was something to be discovered there too, but there wasn't.

I do not want to tell this story, but I don't think I will eat fennel coleslaw again...

That's all I'm gonna give you for now, but if you would like to find out more about Love Letters and Other Pointless Scribbles, or even get involved, then have a look here.

Stephanie x