I would not describe myself as a confident person.
I am very self aware. I know what I can be good at, I know when I'm being moody, I know when I'm not any good. But even with that self awareness, self doubt creeps in on a fairly regular basis.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about loosing my excitement for doing the thing I love, and with that my confidence.
I imagine my confidence to be an ill fitting peg in hole in my brain. It had always just bin jammed in willy nilly, and wobbled a little. To those who know me it will come as no surprise that I may have one or two screws loose.
Can you hear that rattling?
Well when I had THAT experience, and I hit my threshold for just what I could take, that peg became well and truly dislodged. It fell out of place completely. Tentatively I have been trying different screw drivers and hammers trying to get it back in place.
Clink, roll, shit, where's that bloody peg gone?
I'm not going to lie, before heading to Buxton Fringe Festival this past weekend I was terrified, the heart burn was back in the morning and there was a rather distressing dream involving a train, a derailment and a lot of drowning goats.
I hadn't heard from the venue, I hadn't had any ticket inquiries, I didn't have a clue what I was going to do.
Luckily on the Sunday I had the fabulous Hannah Ellis with me (I've told you about her, she is wise and writes over at oopsimavegan.com) to keep me sane and grounded and push me to go and just leaflet.
Then there was the relief of getting to the venue and everyone being lovely and helpful and supportive. And to find that 7 tickets had already been prebooked.
Not only that but the sun was shining and Buxton is beautiful.
There it is!
Slowly I found my feet and leaflet patter, then the performance came around and it all went well. A full house, and though I returned home with a feeling that my reviewer hadn't enjoyed it, I felt relieved, one down one to go.
The Monday came around and I braced myself for a much harder day on all fronts. And boy did I have to brace myself as I entered the Pavilion to find my review.
Deep breath... BUT it was another good'un! Chuffed, spring in step I headed out to leaflet. I was on my own Monday and it was definitely quieter. I couldn't rest on my laurels and in the back of my mind I found it hard to believe I could generate an audience for 6pm on a Monday evening. So by 4pm I was beginning to feel nervous once more, headed to my venue to set everything up totally convinced it would all be coming back down at 6.05pm.
So convinced that nobody would turn up at 5.50pm I was sat making sure things were tidy and easy to pack when 15 people turned up!
I was shocked but most of all I was over the moon, I could feel myself grinning. I was so happy I was going to get to perform. And when I did, I just enjoyed it. And so did they.
After the show I held my first ever 'chat with the artist' I didn't shake once, like I usually do when public speaking, I was just honest. Talking about the work I love to do.
And after all of that? They asked for autographs.
Shhhh, listen...click...
That peg is finally back in it's correct place, and this time (for now) it is definitely a better fit x
Showing posts with label look back. Show all posts
Showing posts with label look back. Show all posts
11 July 2013
26 June 2013
LOST: Excitement and a Mobile Phone
For the full back ground knowledge on this next post read this and this.
For the past two months I have been struggling with two events and their consequences. I have been trying to ignore it, I couldn't put my finger on what the feeling was, and I presumed it would go away. But I'm pretty sure that the only way I can find what it is that I've lost is to really talk this through...
The first thing that happened was, a personal thing, something which made me rethink basically EVERYTHING in my life. I felt I had lost control on every string which tied me together. It was ages since I had performed, I hadn't applied for any new festivals, filled out any proposals, I was just waiting in limbo. At the same time, I became very aware of how much weight I have put on, that I had been single for a year, that my social life centered around a handful of people, places and things.
Basically, this was not the adventure I had first planned when I moved to Manchester, nor was it the reimagined Mancunian life I had hoped to return to after Christmas.
I started getting panicky, but I took a few deep breaths and began to take back control. I started dieting, looking for new opportunities, socializing more, and basically refocusing my energy.
A lot of that energy was pinned on going down to London to perform. It was a big achievement for me, it was something to get excited about, to remind myself of. Something that was going to mark the end of this weird anxious period.
Well going down to London did not go how I had planned. In the first post I wrote about this whole experience I avoided focusing on the negatives and instead looked at it as a learning curve. But if I am being honest, I'm still not quite there yet.
If I'm honest, how badly I feel London went, how stressful it was, how much it did not live up to my expectations, how much it wasn't the solution I thought it would be has stuck with me.
And while in my personal life all is swell, as a performer, I have lost something.
I've lost that excitement of going on stage. Of getting up there and doing my thing. I don't see performing as a happy place at the moment, because I don't want to expect too much, after all that is the best way to avoid disappointment isn't it?
Instead of the butterflies and adrenalin that I normally use to fuel my performance, before going out recently, I've felt anxious. I've been focusing on emergency routes, fall back plans. Predicting how things could go wrong.
Now that might sound like a very sensible thing to do on the one hand, and of course it is. But not when that is getting in the way of excitement.
As a performer I run on energy, it is what makes my work make sense. I normally have a nervous energy that is charming, and infectious, recently I've had that type of nervous energy that makes people uncomfortable.
Or at least that is how I feel my performances have been recently. Of course, I am my own biggest critic, and others have reassured me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
So this is my conclusion. I have lost my excitement, I don't run on adrenalin, I don't reach a high. I just feel flat, even if to an audience my performance doesn't.
I'm now turning my metaphorical house upside down looking for it, I'm looking under and through old reviews, I'm moving boxes of old pictures, filing away bad experiences, and it is coming back. Now that I know what I'm looking for the search is basically over.
Even admitting this all outloud, I can feel butterflies, or at least hear them, I'm obviously getting closer.
Unfortunately the same can not be said for my mobile phone.
x
For the past two months I have been struggling with two events and their consequences. I have been trying to ignore it, I couldn't put my finger on what the feeling was, and I presumed it would go away. But I'm pretty sure that the only way I can find what it is that I've lost is to really talk this through...
The first thing that happened was, a personal thing, something which made me rethink basically EVERYTHING in my life. I felt I had lost control on every string which tied me together. It was ages since I had performed, I hadn't applied for any new festivals, filled out any proposals, I was just waiting in limbo. At the same time, I became very aware of how much weight I have put on, that I had been single for a year, that my social life centered around a handful of people, places and things.
Basically, this was not the adventure I had first planned when I moved to Manchester, nor was it the reimagined Mancunian life I had hoped to return to after Christmas.
I started getting panicky, but I took a few deep breaths and began to take back control. I started dieting, looking for new opportunities, socializing more, and basically refocusing my energy.
A lot of that energy was pinned on going down to London to perform. It was a big achievement for me, it was something to get excited about, to remind myself of. Something that was going to mark the end of this weird anxious period.
Well going down to London did not go how I had planned. In the first post I wrote about this whole experience I avoided focusing on the negatives and instead looked at it as a learning curve. But if I am being honest, I'm still not quite there yet.
If I'm honest, how badly I feel London went, how stressful it was, how much it did not live up to my expectations, how much it wasn't the solution I thought it would be has stuck with me.
And while in my personal life all is swell, as a performer, I have lost something.
I've lost that excitement of going on stage. Of getting up there and doing my thing. I don't see performing as a happy place at the moment, because I don't want to expect too much, after all that is the best way to avoid disappointment isn't it?
Instead of the butterflies and adrenalin that I normally use to fuel my performance, before going out recently, I've felt anxious. I've been focusing on emergency routes, fall back plans. Predicting how things could go wrong.
Now that might sound like a very sensible thing to do on the one hand, and of course it is. But not when that is getting in the way of excitement.
As a performer I run on energy, it is what makes my work make sense. I normally have a nervous energy that is charming, and infectious, recently I've had that type of nervous energy that makes people uncomfortable.
Or at least that is how I feel my performances have been recently. Of course, I am my own biggest critic, and others have reassured me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
So this is my conclusion. I have lost my excitement, I don't run on adrenalin, I don't reach a high. I just feel flat, even if to an audience my performance doesn't.
I'm now turning my metaphorical house upside down looking for it, I'm looking under and through old reviews, I'm moving boxes of old pictures, filing away bad experiences, and it is coming back. Now that I know what I'm looking for the search is basically over.
Even admitting this all outloud, I can feel butterflies, or at least hear them, I'm obviously getting closer.
Unfortunately the same can not be said for my mobile phone.
x
15 June 2013
My 3MT Moment
My beloved 3Mt turns 2 this Saturday! And I shall be performing at the celebrations as Alex Keelans wonderful character 'Leanne' (she is the me I could have been, no really, deep) but in the mean time over on their blog I have written a guest post telling them #My3MTMoment.
Well it isn't really a guest post as I am the editor for that blog, but this is written with my Associate Artist hat on rather than my Marketing Officer one!
Take a look! x
http://www.threeminutetheatre.co.uk/#!blog/c1sre
27 May 2013
Things I thought I had learnt...
Now a couple of weeks ago you may remember I was terribly excited to be heading down to that there London to perform and I wrote a quick list of things that I had learnt so far whilst touring with Confessions that I felt sure stood me in good stead for the Big Smoke.
Well I wasn't wrong.
Well, I wasn't entirely wrong.
Now it has taken me a while to get round to writing this because it has taken me a while to gain perspective on the whole experience.
Are you beginning to get the picture that this wasn't the performance dreams are made of?
Now I am not a negative person by nature, you can't be when you are in this business and that is why I have taken a little break to gather my thoughts.
You see the only reason any one in their right mind would pursue work like mine is because they absolutely love it. In fact, it isn't a reason, because you HAVE to love it so much that you have no option but to pursue it.
Now because so much of your heart and soul goes into this work, when things don't go to plan, it can, not to be too dramatic about it, be heartbreaking.
So without further ado and without going down too cliched a route, here is a revised list of things I have learnt so far.
1. Know your material inside out and
2. The Show is never finished.
Now I highlighted the contradictory nature of these two points in the first list I made and looking back on London, I think I was caught slap bang in the middle of the no mans land that lies between them. I had already changed a lot of the technicalities of my show for this gig and 10 minutes before I was due on stage I was having to change even more. It was terrifying, and incredibly stressful, even now, when I think about it I can't remember the performance. I do, however, have vague recollections of improvising with a huge bag of glitter and a cocktail umbrella.
3. People are my best props
Yeah, they are, but sometimes but you can't rely on an audience and you have to just pretend that they are the audience you always wanted. Was that a small titter of laughter? Great, go with it, that's the exact response you were looking for!
4. Book train tickets in advance
Oh, and if you are going to recite lines under your breath, explain to those in the near vicinity what you are doing, you don't want to look like a loon.
5. The best marketing is a good idea.
Even in London, but you can't change the weather, and some times you just have to admit that you would rather be in the sun too!
6. How to spell 'restaurant'
And play down your northern accent.
And here is a few new ones!
7. If you had to fill in paper work, print out your own copy and take it with you!
8. And never under-estimate the power of health and safety
I hate that old line 'it's health and safety gone mad' but when you are being told you can't use a party popper because it contains gun powder, and "we've lost your new risk assessment so you can't do anything that isn't on the original one", and you can see you show falling down around you, well, then, BAM here comes the inner diva.
9. Embrace the inner diva
"If you don't get that second risk assessment down here now, I'm not going on, and I am NOT changing any more of this show, so you had better find a way of simulating a boiled kettle NOW."
As an artist you have to be flexible, open to change and respect that other people have other priorities. But you worked damm hard on this show, and if they programmed you, then they have to take responsibility for this event, just as much as you do!
10. Sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break
You can be your own biggest critic and enemy, most of the time this is what drives you forward and you need to embrace it. Other times, you have to give yourself a break, things go wrong and it isn't your fault. The audience had no idea about the stress surrounding the performance and they clapped and wooped and said 'great show' and who are you to disagree? You pulled it out the back despite all that, it isn't how you wanted it to go, but you did it anyway.
Well I wasn't wrong.
Well, I wasn't entirely wrong.
Now it has taken me a while to get round to writing this because it has taken me a while to gain perspective on the whole experience.
Are you beginning to get the picture that this wasn't the performance dreams are made of?
Now I am not a negative person by nature, you can't be when you are in this business and that is why I have taken a little break to gather my thoughts.
You see the only reason any one in their right mind would pursue work like mine is because they absolutely love it. In fact, it isn't a reason, because you HAVE to love it so much that you have no option but to pursue it.
Now because so much of your heart and soul goes into this work, when things don't go to plan, it can, not to be too dramatic about it, be heartbreaking.
So without further ado and without going down too cliched a route, here is a revised list of things I have learnt so far.
1. Know your material inside out and
2. The Show is never finished.
Now I highlighted the contradictory nature of these two points in the first list I made and looking back on London, I think I was caught slap bang in the middle of the no mans land that lies between them. I had already changed a lot of the technicalities of my show for this gig and 10 minutes before I was due on stage I was having to change even more. It was terrifying, and incredibly stressful, even now, when I think about it I can't remember the performance. I do, however, have vague recollections of improvising with a huge bag of glitter and a cocktail umbrella.
3. People are my best props
Yeah, they are, but sometimes but you can't rely on an audience and you have to just pretend that they are the audience you always wanted. Was that a small titter of laughter? Great, go with it, that's the exact response you were looking for!
4. Book train tickets in advance
Oh, and if you are going to recite lines under your breath, explain to those in the near vicinity what you are doing, you don't want to look like a loon.
5. The best marketing is a good idea.
Even in London, but you can't change the weather, and some times you just have to admit that you would rather be in the sun too!
6. How to spell 'restaurant'
And play down your northern accent.
And here is a few new ones!
7. If you had to fill in paper work, print out your own copy and take it with you!
8. And never under-estimate the power of health and safety
I hate that old line 'it's health and safety gone mad' but when you are being told you can't use a party popper because it contains gun powder, and "we've lost your new risk assessment so you can't do anything that isn't on the original one", and you can see you show falling down around you, well, then, BAM here comes the inner diva.
9. Embrace the inner diva
"If you don't get that second risk assessment down here now, I'm not going on, and I am NOT changing any more of this show, so you had better find a way of simulating a boiled kettle NOW."
As an artist you have to be flexible, open to change and respect that other people have other priorities. But you worked damm hard on this show, and if they programmed you, then they have to take responsibility for this event, just as much as you do!
10. Sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break
You can be your own biggest critic and enemy, most of the time this is what drives you forward and you need to embrace it. Other times, you have to give yourself a break, things go wrong and it isn't your fault. The audience had no idea about the stress surrounding the performance and they clapped and wooped and said 'great show' and who are you to disagree? You pulled it out the back despite all that, it isn't how you wanted it to go, but you did it anyway.
6 May 2013
A List of things I have learnt so far...
The Confessions tour has well and truly started now, and here is a list of things I have learnt so far as I prepare to g down south...
1. Know your material inside out
I have performed Confessions in various settings, with tech, with out tech, in the round, in a pub, in an interval. I've done 10 minute versions, 20 minute versions and 45 minutes. I've taken drinks orders, had audiences of all different shapes and sizes and nearly met my death thanks to a huge paper napkin and the only thing that has got me through it? Knowing my material. And now as I prepare for my biggest challenge to date, taking my show to London, while I may have had to change the lay out and swap mans red fire for pound land electric t-lights, at least when I get there I KNOW the show. The rest is just technicalities.
2. The Show is NEVER finished
This may seem contradictory to point 1, but in many ways my 'material' is the base of my show, and if that ends up being the full show, then I know it went ok. But, ad maybe this is just because of all the different locations/setings/time slots I've adapted to, but very time I have done the show, something new happens. Some of it sticks and goes into my 'material' and some of it just worked at that specific point. So yes Confessions is complete, but it still isn't finished.
3. People are my best props
Sorry, dear audiences, I realise you probably don't want to be thought of as a prop, but I really can not stress how important a role you play! It's like that age old question if a waitress doesn't have a table to wait on does she have a job? I don't need a huge audience, but this show is as much about there story as i is about mine. You can't really have one with out the other, and that idea that the show is created in the space where my story meets the audiences is definitely one I want to explore further (yes, I'm talking about Love Letters again).
4. Book train tickets in advance
Just do. Duh.
5. The best marketing is a good idea.
Now I realise that that great idea has to be worded and packaged well, but I have got so far on just explaining to people 'well urm, you sit at a table as if you were in a restaurant and the waitress serves you stories.' I have studied theatre for years, that doesn't sound that weird/different/unique to me... to most people it does, it sounds like an experience. And that sells.
6. How to spell 'restaurant'
And that's all I have for now, but I'm going to carry on adding to this list as I go on, but in the mean time, you can see me this Friday as part of Accidental Festival or check out my upcoming dates here.
Stephanie xx
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